Warning: I expose myself in this post. Read but don't flame.

***Warning: this is a long post. I ranted in it. I exposed myself in it. Comment if you will but I don't need pity. I'll be numb after this, will most prob be back to normal by tomorrow I guess***

Poor Arlene. Look at this

Hell, I shouldn't be posting in such a direct manner that exposes me on forums or here, but what the heck, I'll still do it anyway.

I think it's sad that parents always like to compare. I hate it when my mum starts on me. It's like they can't help it or something, like they always have to pick on some nitty gritty flaw of yours. Like so-and-so's son/daughter went to university, had good grades etc, or gave tuition .. while you're here rotting your life away with games. Or, your cousin is having a part-time job, while you're slacking away. Or, your sister gets better grades than you, why can't you buck up and do better too? Instead of these Cs and Ds. You're a failure. You're useless. You're a good for nothing. I don't know why can't you be more like whoever's better than you. Yada yada, on and on it goes. Retreating to my room, the only place in the house where I can have peace for a while, before my mum barges in and demands I leave the door open, or comes in to continue her tirade.

Sometimes I try to block out her words and let them wash over me; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And when it doesn't I try to chase her out of the room. Then she pointedly tells me I'm being rude, that this is her house, that I should just wake up my idea. At times like this, I feel the overwhelming urge to run away. Like that time I was at the LAN shop instead of at a friend's house like I gave as an excuse, and was resigned to walking the streets til morning, not having enough money to get a cab, unsure of what bus would get me home. Titan found me. I was fortunate. And he was the first stranger I'd met who helped me. Who was kind to me. Who, despite my tight-lipped silence as I sat on the floor in his rented flat, passed me spare clothes and told me to bathe. Who told me not to be shy about sleeping in his bed and have a good sleep while he took the spare mattress. Who called Ximen after that to let him and Shushu know I was safe(they hadnt broken up yet). Who coaxed me to tell him what was bothering me. And reluctantly I told him. Never once had I let my guard down before a stranger. I told him some things, skirted some issues but at the end of it he told me home was the best. I won't go on, see my comment in (), its painful remembering anyways. (this happened back in Sept 3, 07 - you can look in my archives if you want)

But up to now, I realize I miss him. Not like, in a romantic way, but I miss him a friend. I wonder how he's doing right now. I have his hp but I'm afraid to call. In case he answers, and wonders what is a girl who used to be in the same faction (Satis, then Critical Infinitum) as him, and who used to play with the group down at Parklane up to. He did call me, once or twice after the incident to ask if I was ok. Then we would make awkward conversation, and say goodbye. I would go to sleep, happy in a buoyant way. I think I was starved for kindness, but I was glad that I ran away from home that time. And I told myself I would not do something so stupid again, but I'm not sure.

10+ years. That's how long I've been listening to my mum degrade me. I can't believe how pathetic I am, nearly 20 and still unable to fend for myself financially, unable to be emotionally stable. I'm bad at studies. I take things to heart, always acting on impulse. My heart rules me and not my head. I play GE to de-stress. I read fanfictions and such .. just so I can put off those negative thoughts for long enough not to commit suicide or run away again.

If I could live life over, maybe I would choose to be born into a different family. One that does not pressures me. My mum cares for me in her own way, I know. But she has high standards, high expectations that her children should do well. And I fail horribly at meeting these expectations. I can't suddenly grow brain cells and become a genius overnight. I try, but it never satisfies my mum. Since young, me and my sister, when we fail some subjects (yes, my sis is clever but lazy .. and she does fail her subjects too), we dread showing our results to her. Because that would mean a long long tirade that never ends. That continues even after dinner and we escape to our room. Then she tells my dad, and she starts comparing us to xxx. The same routine all over again. Its a vicious cycle, but it never stops.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking "what ifs" and "how I wish". But no amount of wishing makes reality easier to bear. So until this all ends, my only recourse to sanity is games. I could choose the blade but I'm squeamish about cutting myself.

One day I'll fly away .. leave all these to yesterday ...